Index

Corporate Mid-Life Crisis

I guess you had to be there…

So goes a frequent defense of a joke that fell flat, where the listener never “got it.”“  In most cases, that has been my response to stories of corporate executives who have mid-life crises and do stupid things, like divorce their wives and marry that gorgeous young secretary the rest of us just drool over, or buy (and often get killed in) a new sports car.  These stories are legion, and so common that good comedians no longer even poke fun at them, leaving them instead to the tabloids whose readers never tire of the stupid and titillating.

Now I am at the age where I get it - stuck in a corporate job, reaching the point where my mental energies are flagging and the kids coming up are stealing my job out from under me, leaving me with the thankless administrative tasks and nothing to show for all my years as a productive engineer.  And the joke still isn’t funny - it just makes sense now, and what once looked stupidly self-destructive now just makes me jealous because I don’t have the money to get away with it.

As I get older, it becomes harder for me to miss the painful truths of corporate existence, things that I used to joke about. Flying monkeys for management, the worthlessness of yourself (or anyone) in the corporate scheme of things, the constant and automatic lies that management tells you and everyone else (including itself), the “values” of the company that used to give some hope, but are now nothing but meaningless slogans on the wall - all of these things have become stark realities that I can no longer avoid looking at.  Dilbert is now a documentary, not a comic strip.

What I find even more depressing is that the single-minded, self-centered greed of the managers I have had the misfortune to work closely with now makes sense - “the company doesn’t give a shit, so grab what you can and run” actually rings true in the cold light of the realization that nobody cares about you but you. As an example, lots of companies talk about career paths, but what they are really trying to do is grow their own management internally so that they don’t have to pay more for managers from outside who start disrupting everybody’s easy lives as soon as they hit the door. Cultural change is SO uncomfortable, dontcha know.

I cared so much at one point that I went to the trouble of trying to save some of the corporate IT bosses from making a drastic mistake. The next chance they got, a harmless gesture was brought to attention of the plant manager - the highest-ranking person in my plant - as a major issue, threatening my job because I had the balls to try. The person who did this didn’t have the balls to leave a calling card, of course.

I even made the mistake of trying to ever-so-slightly promote some changes from within - you can guess what sort of backlash that provoked. I quit wasting my time, much to the disappointment of some of the low-level workers who enjoyed seeing trouble get stirred by someone else a safe distance away. If I started trouble in their departments, “OH, NO” was the response then. Such is corporate life, that nobody can afford to have principles or care.

Which brings me to my immediate problem.  By the time I get to work every day I am ready to quit and walk out.  Sunday nights become depression sessions because the inevitability of Monday becomes inescapable.  It is hugely depressing to work for a thankless bunch of accounting morons who can only think of cutting costs - what a short-sighted crock of shit that is - and firing workers because they cost too much.  I am late almost every day, and I am writing this while I stay home because of the depression.  If I don’t quit, sooner or later they are going to fire me anyway, a thought that actually makes me happy.

I am half-heartedly hunting for a new job, but most of them out there are more of the same - working for soulless corporate types that are looking for someone that is smart enough to let them fire three others, and cheap enough to let them pocket the salaries of two of them.  That kind of crap simply isn’t worth doing.  I also lack the risk-taking skill set that would allow me to jump out on my own.  My speciality is one that requires zero-risk tactics and strategies, so that and risk-taking are largely orthogonal.  Consulting is for gamblers.  I seem to have no options that are really worth pursuing.

Any suggestions?