Index

Losing the Good Fight

I finally admitted defeat. When the recruiter called, I took the call and found another job. The dinosaurs finally pounded me into submission, and they now have less than two weeks to finish me off. Good luck with that.

All is not lost - I found a new job that offers market pay and benefits, and (at least right now) allows me to go back to engineering where I can actually do something useful, instead of piddling around with changing management’s overfilled diapers. At least for the moment, I have hope of being able to earn respect by doing a good job, instead of having to earn brownie points by kissing the right ass. I am probably dreaming and delusional, but I will take it while it lasts. Corporations are hard on idealists, but I can hope, can’t I?  Oh, well, I probably just traded one set of lies for another, but at least it will let me shed the depression for a while and make some more money while it lasts.

Yes, I said depression.

Nothing new there, but figuring out the cause of it and moving on offers me some hope of relief for a while.  The problem with being trained in the old school work ethic is that it is hard to determine when enough is enough -  I let my health decay too far this time, I am hoping I can dig out of this hole and get back to some semblance of health before my kidneys (or whatever) fail from diabetes. Repeatedly internalizing failure only leads to depression (or other problems - see the DSM, pick your version, for a list of known issues) and I did that in spades.  The old work ethic says “No matter what, suck it up and go on” - the perfect formula for insanity when the corporate environment guarantees failure for all but the stars.  Since they tie your pay into your following their definition of success, changing jobs is the only way to get a raise.

Another very sad part of the corporate life is the required lying.  Not just a few little white lies, but constant whoppers.  As an engineer, my first impulse (based on my internal ethics) is to tell the honest truth about what is going on - in the absence of any facts, I cannot make myself just make something up, so if I am cornered I usually give an answer that leaves the management frowning at best, because I give myself plenty of time by assuming a worst case scenario, and giving an honest answer based on it.  The bosses don’t like realistic scenarios, or honest answers - oh well.

In this environment, telling the truth (a.k.a. being the bearer of bad tidings) is damn near suicide, but engineers have to do it almost on a daily basis.  My boss - also a good personal friend of over 20 years standing who is a good engineer and (normally) a very honest person - gets very glib and turns into an excellent bullshitter with only a minimal adherence to  reality when put in this kind of spot.  I seem to have been given a very minimal dose of the bullshit talent, and it bugs the hell out of me when I have to do it.  My boss does it without a thought after so many years of practice.  He took a big solid slug of the corporate “kool aid” way back when, so he is fine with it.  It is sad when a good fella has to give up his integrity to stay employed, but so many do.

I would like to keep what little heath and integrity I have left intact for as long as I can.  I was losing the battle at this employer, so I took the way out I was offered - wish me luck, I will need it.  It is just sad when you have to admit defeat.